Monday, November 24, 2008

Stocking Stuffer

Celebrate the presidential election with this Barack Obama finger puppet -- a great way to teach your children about politics.

Lion Brand® Wool-Ease® - Microspun
Pattern #: 80658AD


SIZE: One Size
About 4 1/2 in. (11.5 cm) tall

620-153 Wool-Ease® Yarn: Black 1 ball

Note: (A)
620-129 Wool-Ease® Yarn: Cocoa 1 ball

Note: (B)
620-152 Wool-Ease® Yarn: Oxford Grey 1 ball

Note: (C)
910-100 Microspun Yarn: Lily White 1 ball

Note: (D)
Crochet Hook - Size G

Additional Materials
Small amount of blue and pink yarn

With A, ch 2.
Rnd 1: Work 6 sc in first ch; place marker to indicate beg of rnd; move marker up as each rnd is completed.
Rnd 2: 2 sc in each sc around – 12 sc.
Rnd 3: *2 sc in next sc, sc in next sc; rep from * around – 18 sc. Change to B.
Rnd 4: Working through back loops, sc in each sc around.
Rnds 5–10: Sc in each sc around.
Rnd 11: *Sc2tog, sc in each of next 1 sts, rep from * around – 12 sts. Change to C.
Rnd 12: Sc in each sc around.
Rnd 13: *2 sc in next sc, sc in next 4 sc, 2 sc in next sc; rep from * around – 16 sts.
Rnd 14: *2 sc in next sc, sc in next 6 sc, 2 sc in next sc ; rep from * around – 20 sts.
Rnd 15: *2 sc in next sc, sc in next 8 sc, 2 sc in next sc ; rep from * around – 24 sts.
Rnds 16–25: Sc in each sc around
Fasten off.

Ears (make 2)
With B, ch 2.
Work 6 sc in first ch.
Fasten off.

Arms (make 2)
With B, ch 2.
Rnd 1: Work 8 sc in first ch; place marker to indicate beg of rnd; move marker up as each rnd is completed.
Rnds 2–3: Sc in each sc around.
Rnds 4–8: Change to C. Sc in each sc around.
Fasten off.

With D, ch 7.
Row 1: Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across – 6 sts.
Row 2: Ch 1, turn, sc2 tog, sc in each of next 2 sts, sc2tog – 4 sts.
Row 3: Ch 1, turn, sc2 tog, sc2tog – 2 sts.
Row 4: Ch 1, turn, sc2 tog – 1 st.
Fasten off.

With D, ch 21.
Sc in 2nd ch from hook and in each ch across- 20 sts.
Fasten off.

With blue yarn, ch 7.
Fasten off.

Fold ears to form semi-circles and sew to head. With A, embroider French knot eyes and straight st eyebrows. With pink embroider a few straight sts for lips, then a white straight st at center teeth. Wrap collar over shirt and around neck and sew in place. Sew tie to middle of collar.
Weave in ends.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

The True Vibe of Social Networking

Hello Mary
Funk, Kevin
November 8, 2008
Mary Belton

You and Funk, Kevin share a network or group.

Hello Mary. Hope all is well with you and yours.

I see we share interest in the Entertainment Industry while sharing Groups and Connections in Linkedin. I have something that will draw your interest and I’m looking for contacts to The Discovery Channel, A&E, MSNBC, TruTV and all Actuality TV Channels.

“Color My World” is not a rigged Reality show it’s an Actuality/Documentary TV Series. From your 10 year old nephew to your Mother-in-Law, male to female and those of all races and nationalities can enjoy the show, while being educated on ‘our facts, Experiences, Problems, Success, Joy and Fears of life’. It's a show you can sit your Mother, kids, father, Preacher, grandkids in front of with Faith. Even if the Television only picks up one channel you know they will be in the hands of a safe company. Your Mother-in-Law will now accept your taste into the family. Ranging from 18-65 all eyes are set to learn from "CMW".

“CMW” is a show that carries over to the next episode. After each episode it will have you asking, “What’s going to happen on the next episode?” And I guarantee you will be on your living room couch hungering for the continuation of that next episode.

We at EnterActuality Media have been networking while filming the trailer. Next and last film date is December 7th. After the editing, our plan of its completion is January of 09. Plans are being made for a showcase for Major TV Networks and Production companies in NYC this summer. We also will be traveling to Atlanta and L.A. to share with others who show interest.

But you may ask, “Why did EnterActuality Media come to me?” Producers here in the US have spoken about directing “CMW” to The Discovery Channel. They speak of, TDC will be open to this Unique Concept. We have connected with other countries who are interested in the trailer upon its completion but the majority has directed us to India.

So we are looking at Networking with those in all areas. Those living in the World Entertainment Industry Field. You, who can see it first on this side of the Sea. You being the first one with this Unique Concept to introduce it to The World of Actuality TV.

Please contact us @ EnterActualityMedia@ Website now under-construction but will be back open soon. Once we network and a relationship towards interest develops, we will connect you with our References and Entertainment Lawyers to take that next step forward.

Thanks Very Much and we at EnterActuality Media look forward to hearing from you.


Much Love and Respect
EnterActuality Media
Bye bye now

(Funk, Kevin)

Friday, October 31, 2008

My Beautiful Baby!!

He chose me! From all the women in the world to be the mother of his only living son!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Although better-known in some circles as an artist, cartoonist and musician, Dame Darcy has also made the Reality TV circuit appearing on the dating shows Blind Date, Third Wheel and Flavor Of Love 3.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

How About a Few Cats Instead?

"My Fake Baby" is a terrifying Channel 4 documentary that is now airing on BBC America. It's about very disturbed women who carry around super-realistic newborn infant dolls and pretend that they are real babies. One can purchase these creepy things here.

Sometimes a woman who has lost her infant asks the company to create a doll that looks just like her dead baby. Sometimes the makers even give the doll a heartbeat and make it look like it's breathing. And sometimes, they attach tubes and wires to the doll, just like the doctors did in the hospital when the baby was in intensive care. Before it died. Did I mention the dolls are made to look like people's dead babies??

I saw the entire documentary online a few months ago, but those limey killjoys have since taken it off of youtube. You can watch scenes on this British morning show:

This is a not-so-live blog of my friend Jon and me discussing the doc while watching clips online. We are not any sicker than any of you.

i may start doing this.

you should jon. at Gelson's. Hey Manny! Have you met my baby?

just some diet coke and baby food for me tonight manny
the babies are $4,000!!!
i'll get a cabbage patch yo
Some customers order special dolls that are exact replicas of their own children who died at birth or in infancy. These are individually made from hand-sculpted clay forms made from photographs of the child.
that's sad

yeah, and weird.
and wrong.

i hope if i die you have one made of me

i already have one, jon.
i shower with it.

i wish
i'm so fucking fascinated with this
it looks pretty damn real
Other ideas can be added such as heartbeat!!!!
why is it called reborning

you should get one and abort it.

snuff it's heartbeat out

you should carry it in one of those baby bjorns and then be really rough with it and bang into things
or birth it!!!
let it drop out of your pants leg
that's the thing to do

i'll just yell PUSH
really loud
to myself

no, you don't yell push
someone else does, you groan

ok u yell push


i'll birth it
then we'll both walk away

put the baby in a trashcan and then walk away

with its leg sticking out

we would get so beat up
i would cut the cord with my teeth
what would the cord be made of?

condoms, syrup and bacon

oh i am going to vomit

vomit while i'm birthing

and cry and wail, "Why am I barren??!!!"
i have to be a woman who is jealous of you

do you think palin would drop out if she was offered a sitcom?
i'm sorry
but if you are going to MAKE a baby
why on earth
would you make an ugly one?

oh i thought you were making fun of palin's retarded baby

the palin thing was a seperate thought
here's $4,000
just make me a real crab apple please

i just laughed so hard

but that's someone's real dead baby!
i mean
give them a better picture yo

you should order one and tell them you want to molest it

i need one with a warm mouth

that likes to be spanked

this is fucked up

this is so disturbing

MEANWHILE, here is how one average American teenage girl who is forced to take care of a pretend/real baby for health class feels. Needless to say, she would rather be hanging out at her boyfriend Greg's house than taking care of a gay baby. He's in a band, but whatever. He plays drums.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Glendale, CA

I brought the mannequins home. I let the Armenian go.

Monday, October 6, 2008

I Can't Hate Palin Enough

This clip is posted on Defamer, but I still felt the need:

Friday, October 3, 2008

Creepy Cute

Laptop Shmaptop

A Chengdu resident suffers from a condition that allows her to use her skin like writing paper. According to 50-year-old Huang Xiangji, when she writes a word on her skin using a fingernail, the letters protrude from her skin a minute or two later. "I used my body as a notebook for years," Huang said. The woman said she had the strange ability even as a little girl and would list goods on her arms before going shopping. On Wednesday, doctors told Huang that she had the condition called artificial urticaria, which has no ill affects.(Chengdu Evening News)

I actually dated a guy in high school whose skin would raise like that if you scratched it. It only lasted for a couple of minutes and then it would fade away. He used to scratch my name onto his arm sometimes. (Awww, puppy love.) I always thought it happened because of malnourishment. He was really skinny and seemed to subsist on nothing but Slush Puppies, Cheez Doodles and Oreos.

I found the story and the pic on Weird Asia News, but I assume the photo is of someone else's legs since the writing is in English. Who is she?

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Monday, September 29, 2008

My Second Favorite Murder Ballad

"Knoxville Girl" by The Singing Hall Sisters

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Baby

Just rent it.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Rebus and a Haircut = Two Bits

Rudy is an ex-boxer. He and his son run this honest-to-goodness actual barbershop in Glendale. Not a barbershop themed unisex hair salon, a Barbershop. With boxing gloves on the wall and girlie mags in the racks. And there's a rebus on the back of his business card. A rebus for chrissake!!

A haircut will run you fellas a mere 15 bucks. A straight razor shave with hot towels and whatever that smelly stuff is they put on your face afterward: 15 bucks. I wonder if they do legs...

Rebus solution:

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I Heart Healers

While cleaning out a closet, I found this old newspaper clipping of the late Dr. Velma Jaggers from 1994. I spent Christmas morning that year at her Universal World Church spectacular. Actually, it was more than spectacular. It was, "THE MOST INCREDIBLY MAGNIFICENT CHRISTMAS EVER SEEN BY ANYONE! THE MOST FANTASTIC - MAGNIFICENT - SPLENDIFEROUSLY BEAUTIFUL EVENT IN 6000 YEARS!!" Not only that, but Miss Velma even healed me with her special magic God oil. (I faked a slight limp in case she asked what my problem was.) Oddly, for the rest of the day my forehead smelled just like strawberry Lipsmackers.

Here's an old clip of Miss Velma flying around like the angel she is now in heaven:

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Almost Heaven

This is a church down the highway from my sister and brother-in-law's house in West Virginia. Last year it was a strip club and now it's "J.C.'s Hangout."

I don't think I'd sit still for a lap dance or a sermon in there.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Jesus Likes Me, This I Know

...for pop music tells me so...

Thank you, Cinefamily!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Friday, September 5, 2008

Wounded Lion

I was invited to go to see my friend Tim's band The Lamps last night, but I was late to the gig and missed them because I went to see a totally lame bio pic that not only made me want my two hours and $9 back, it made me want to slip Rodger Grossman a hot shot so he'll never make another terrible, terrible movie.

Luckily, Eva and Tim convinced me to stay to see this band, who made me grin from ear to ear. I only wish this video showed how much fun they are to watch live:

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Les Lutins

I love the color footage at the beginning and tail end of this clip almost as much as I love these little guys.

Any Guesses?

I took this polaroid about 15 years ago. At that time, these gorgeous signs were sitting abandoned near the William Mulholland Memorial Fountain on Los Feliz Blvd. & Riverside. And they are still there now! Does anyone know where and what the Hotel Californian was?? Does anyone have a fork lift I can borrow?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Table for one, Handicapped Lady?

Sometimes when I'm about to get my period, or I am between jobs, or both, like now, I think of this picture and worry. Also, I think I'm developing a serious blogging problem.